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  “Will he not be going?”

  “I don’t think so, but I’m not a hundred percent sure. I’ll check with Sophia and let you know.”

  I feel an odd heaviness settling in my chest. It’s better this way. The more time I spend with him the worse it is going to be. “No. It’s okay. Don’t worry about asking Sophia. I would like to go back to Surrey.”

  “Fine, I’ll arrange that for you,” she says with a happy smile.

  After I hammer out a query letter, I tackle writing a CV of sorts. It unfortunately has to be very short on account of the fact that I have never worked a day in my life, and my talents are non-existent to say the least. It will have to do. I email everything to Celine. While I am deciding if I should go out to the garden for a while, Nigel texts me. I lock my bedroom door and call him back.

  “Hey,” he says, and I clutch the phone hard. His voice is familiar and warm. He loves me. When all this is over he will be there for me.

  “Hi,” I say softly.

  “How are you?”

  “Fine.”

  “Miss me?” he asks. His voice is wheedling. He needs to hear me say it, but I can’t. Not after what I did last night with another man.

  “Where are you?” I ask.

  “At home.”

  “Why aren’t you at work?”

  “I didn’t feel good. I’m seriously thinking of leaving my job. I need to get away from all those old familiar things that remind me of my old addiction. I need new places, new faces, and new experiences if I am to beat this.”

  “I’m glad to hear that you are taking your recovery process so seriously.”

  “Damn right I’m serious about this. Look what I’ve done, Star. I’ve nearly destroyed us. I made a mistake, but I’ve changed. I wish you could see me now. Two days in and I already feel so good and empowered.”

  “Imagine what you’ll be like by the time I see you.”

  “I can’t wait one month to see you, Star.”

  I lean against the bathroom door. “One month is not a long time.”

  “Fuck, if only you were in London and not in Surrey.”

  “I’m not in Surrey.” I bite my tongue as soon as I say it.

  “Where are you then?”

  “London.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, I’m in Mayfair.”

  “Star. You’ve got to come and see me.”

  “No. Nikolai will be furious.”

  “For god’s sake, I’m your husband.”

  “No. I can’t come to you. It’ll be a mess.”

  “Can’t you just make an excuse and come over? Tell him you’re going shopping or something?

  “I can’t go anywhere alone. I have to take the driver everywhere. He’ll find out.”

  “What a control freak. Hang on, I have an idea. Why don’t you call Rosa and ask her if we can use her flat for half-an-hour? You keep a key to her flat here don’t you?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “Come on, Star. I just want to see you. It’ll give me the strength to be strong. You’re my rock. I need this. Please, Star. I may never get another chance to see you again for a month.”

  “Rosa’s not going to like it.”

  “She’s not that fucking selfish and petty, is she?”

  I sigh.

  “Please, Star. I just want to see you. Five minutes.”

  “I’ll have to call Rosa first.”

  “I’ll be waiting here.”

  I hang up and wince. I know it’s a bad idea, but I can’t say no to Nigel. Besides, it will be good for me to remind myself that Nigel is my husband. The one that I owe my allegiance and loyalty to. The one I’m doing all this for.

  I call Rosa and at first she says no. She doesn’t want Nigel in her apartment and it would make her vomit to think of him naked anywhere on her furniture.

  I assure her that neither Nigel or me will be getting naked in her apartment and she reluctantly agrees. I call Nigel back and tell him where Rosa’s key is. We agree to meet right after I have seen my dad.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Star

  When I come down after seeing my dad I get into the car and, as casually as I can, tell Oleg that I need to go and see a friend. He nods politely and I give him Rosa’s address.

  “Wait here for me, please,” I instruct, and quickly walk up the path to her building’s entrance.

  I’m so nervous my hands are shaking as I ring on the doorbell. Nigel buzzes me up immediately.

  By the time I get to the fourth floor he is waiting for me outside the lift. He looks well, very well. There is no trace of sadness or regret in his face. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

  He smiles at me and I smile back at him. With complete confidence, he curls his arm around my back possessively, and leads me into her apartment. Inside, he wraps his arms around me and tries to kiss me, but I evade him.

  “Don’t,” I mutter, and walk away from him.

  “What’s the matter?”

  “Nothing. I just need a bit of time.”

  He looks at me strangely. “Okay.”

  “So how are you?”

  He shrugs. “Without you, I’m nothing, Star.”

  “It sure doesn’t look like it,” I mutter under my breath.

  He walks up to me and touches my hair, his eyes pained. “Star? Why did you say that? I’m putting on a happy face because I don’t want to spoil the little time we have together.”

  I look up deep into his eyes. He is not lying. But you never could tell when he was lying, could you? I ignore that voice of reason and let myself believe him. I love him. I know I love him. Of course, I love him. What I have with Nikolai is just lust. Sex. It will burn itself out. I know that. This is the real thing.

  He bends his head and lets his lips gently brush mine. I stiffen.

  “I want to make love to you, Star,” he says.

  “No,” I gasp.

  “Why not?”

  “I can’t,” I gasp.

  “Why not?”

  “I’m not a whore, Nigel. I can’t go from his bed to yours. Just like that,” I cry.

  “Jesus, Star. I’m your fucking husband.”

  I cover my face with my hands. “I know. I know, but I just can’t do it. Not here. Not in Rosa’s apartment.”

  “She’ll never know. Come on.”

  “I promised her we wouldn’t do it here.”

  “What a fucking selfish lesbian bitch! Why should she care if we fuck?”

  I take a step back. “Stop being horrible about her, Nigel. Please,” I cry angrily. It seems easier to fight about Rosa than deal with what is really going on.

  He seems to take a hold of himself and forces a smile. “I didn’t come here to fight with you about Rosa, Star. I just want to talk to you. Why don’t we sit down and talk, hmmm?”

  “I can’t. The driver is waiting downstairs.”

  “Fuck’s sake, Star. He’s a driver. That’s his fucking lot in life. He waits around all day for people.”

  I look at him astonished as if I have never seen him before. This arrogance. Where did it come from? Was it always there?

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m just hurt and angry and I’m lashing out on all the wrong people. Of course, you have to go. It’s okay. I’m glad I got to see you, and see for myself that you are well.”

  “Yeah, I’m well.”

  He pauses. “He doesn’t do anything kinky to you, does he?”

  I flush to the roots of my hair. “No,” I croak.

  “I’ll kill him if he hurts a hair on your head,” he thunders.

  My head starts to hurt. “I got to go.”

  “Won’t you even kiss me before you go?”

  I walk up to him and press my lips against his. I don’t know what I expect, but I feel nothing. He wraps his arms around me and deepens the kiss. His tongue seeks entry, hooks my tongue into his mouth and sucks it ardently. My mind stays alert. It tells me it’s getting late. He slips his other han
d down and tries to lift up my skirt.

  I pull away angrily. “I told you not to do that.”

  “What are you doing? Saving yourself for him?” he sneers.

  My eyes widen. “How dare you?”

  He runs his hand through his hair distractedly. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that. I can’t handle this. You’re my woman and …” He drops his hand in a defeated gesture. “Never mind. What’s the fucking point?”

  “I wish I’d never come.”

  “I’m sorry, darling. All I ever seem to do is apologize.”

  “We’re both stressed. Don’t worry about it.”

  “Your mother keeps calling.”

  “I’ll call her today. I’m telling everybody I’m on a writing retreat for a month. So if you can keep to the same story it should all be well.”

  “Right. That’s a good idea.” He looks at me beseechingly. “I’m counting the days when you will come back home.”

  I drop my eyes. “Yeah, me too.”

  “I can’t wait for us to start our new life. We’ll do different things. I’ll be home more. We’ll have a new life together. A better life.”

  He doesn’t understand. I liked my old life, very much, but I found out it was a lie. “Okay.”

  “I love you.”

  “Me too. I’ve got to go.”

  He walks me to the lift. “I’ll hang around here for a few minutes before I come down.”

  I smile. “Talk to you later.”

  The lift doors open. I go in and turn around to face him. He looks at me intently as if he will never see me again. The doors close on him and I exhale and lean against the metal wall. I don’t allow myself to think. I just repeat in my head.

  I love my husband. I love my husband. I love my husband.

  Like a mantra, and like a mantra it stuns my mind, so I stop thinking.

  I become blank.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Star

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7HKoqNJtMTQ

  Skyfall

  “Finished meeting your friend?” Oleg asks over his shoulder.

  I catch a glimpse of his face in the rearview mirror. “Yes, thank you. We can go back now,” I tell him. I suddenly feel very tired. I let my body lean back into the seat and close my eyes. I decide at that moment that I won’t meet Nigel again during this month. It stressed me out and it didn’t make me or him feel good. Right now I even feel as if I’ve done something shameful.

  My phone pings. It is Nigel telling me he is sorry. I feel too exhausted to answer. I delete the message and stare out of the window until we reach Nikolai’s house.

  “Will you need me again today?” Oleg asks with a smile.

  “Probably not. It’ll likely be tomorrow.”

  “Just let me know,” he says, before getting out of the car to open my door for me.

  I walk to the house and press the buzzer. Yana opens the door.

  “Hello, Miss Minton,” she greets formally.

  I hear footsteps coming from behind her and instantly my body stiffens and reacts so much that Yana cannot help but notice. She looks behind her then takes a respectful step backwards.

  “May I speak to you in the library?” Nikolai asks.

  Nervous energy cuts through me like a bolt of electricity. “Of course,” I say as casually as I can.

  Without another word, he turns and walks away. His tall body stiff and purposeful. I swallow my anxiety and follow him into the library.

  “Close the door,” he says, stopping in the middle of the room.

  I shut the door quietly and turn around.

  He looks at me and his face is entirely without expression. I mean nothing. Nothing. A shiver goes through me. I lift my chin. I won’t let him scare me. I haven’t done anything wrong.

  “Where have you been?” His voice is pleasant.

  “Nowhere,” I say defiantly. I shouldn’t feel guilty. I went to see my husband.

  “I’ll ask you one more time. Where have you been?”

  “And I’ll tell you one more time. Nowhere.”

  He walks over to me and catches me by the throat. I feel fear flash through me at the cold expression in his eyes. I swallow hard but I don’t blink or back down.

  “Did you give your body to him?”

  My eyes widen with shock.

  “Did you?” he asks again, his hand tightening around my throat.

  “No, no I didn’t,” I choke out.

  His hand eases the pressure on my throat but his eyes are narrowed and hard. “Why did you go to him then?”

  Hot tears fill my eyes even though I try to hold them back.

  “Tears, Star? I thought you were better than that.”

  “How did you know?”

  “I have to be stupid not to. Rosa is at work and you sneak off to her apartment for fifteen minutes.”

  “I just wanted to see him again,” I say miserably.

  “I forbade any contact between you and him.”

  “No. That’s not true,” I deny hotly. “You instructed me not to call him. I didn’t. I’ve not broken any of your stupid rules.”

  “But you do call and text him. All the fucking time.”

  “Well then, what do you want from me? He’s my husband and he’s ill and unhappy. I can’t just leave him alone for one month. I need to know that he’s okay,” I cry defensively.

  “He’s neither ill nor unhappy. He’s a psychopath who is playing you.”

  “I love him and I want to go back to him.” It’s far from the truth but that’s what comes out of my mouth.

  His lips twist cynically. “Why? Does he make you scream uncontrollably when you cum? Do you make those little kitten noises and rub your hot cunt on his dick to make yourself cum because you are so fucking desperate to cum?”

  More tears run down my cheeks. “Fuck off you cold, ugly bastard.”

  “Answer the question,” he orders coldly.

  “None of your fucking business,” I scream.

  He smiles. An ugly movement of his lips. “If you didn’t have sex. What did you do?”

  I can’t look him in the eye. I can’t tell him that Nigel kissed me. My eyes slide away.

  Very gently he lays his finger on my lower lip and inserts it into my mouth.

  “Suck my finger,” he orders.

  I want to resist but I just can’t. My body wants to do it.

  “Look into my eyes.”

  I force myself to meet his eyes. Twin fires are burning in them.

  “This mouth belongs to me. If you dare let any other man touch it, I will kill him. Do you hear me?”

  I nod helplessly.

  “Good.” He pulls his finger out.

  I am frightened of him, but I am wet between my legs. He lets go of my throat and steps away from me.

  “Strip,” he orders.

  I don’t even attempt to disobey. My hands are shaking as they fumble with the buttons of my shirt. His eyes never leave me. I shrug out of my shirt and let it fall to the floor. His phone vibrates in his jacket. He completely ignores it. I unzip my skirt, push it down my hips, and let it fall down my legs. I take off my bra. My heart is beating really fast. I let my bra drop. His eyes are like lasers. My hands cover my breasts.

  “Like Eve. You learned shame?”

  “Don’t do this,” I beg.

  “Strip.”

  The word is like a bullet in the silence.

  Casting my eyes down I take off my last article of clothing.

  “Look at me.”

  I raise my eyes.

  He watches me closely. Without lust. Without longing. As if I’m a piece of furniture he has bought and he is checking for scratches.

  “I’m sorry, okay. I won’t go and see him anymore,” I blurt out.

  “Sorry? Who do you think I am? Your priest? You do something you know is wrong and you go to confession to ask for forgiveness so you can do it all over again tomorrow with a clear conscience.” There is raw ang
er in his voice.

  “All right. You’ve humiliated me now, okay. What else do you want from me?”

  He undoes his belt and unzips his trousers. “I want you to suck me off, Princess.”

  My mouth opens in shock. “I’m not a whore.”

  “You’re not a whore? Why are your eyes dilated then?”

  “They’re not,” I deny.

  “Princess, you can fight me all you want and pretend until the cows come home, but your mouth is watering for my cock.”

  I bite my lower lip. I hate him. I hate that he makes me feel the things I feel. When I am with him I feel like an animal. So cheap, and base, and ugly.

  “It’s your own fault, anyway. Look how hard you’ve made me,” he says and takes his cock out.

  I stare at it. It is throbbing for me. As if I am hypnotized I go forward and kneel in front of him. I take his cock in my hands. As soon as my fingers touch him I feel his body tremble.

  As I open my mouth he rakes the fingers of both his hands into my hair and grabs my head. “That’s right, Princess. Get me off. Make me forget that you went to see another man.”

  Pre-cum smears on my tongue as he pushes his cock into my mouth.

  I swallow it with relief, close my eyes and moan. The taste of him to obliterate the taste of my husband. How can I admit how much I hated my own husband’s touch?

  I start sucking him deeply. He grips my hair tighter and pushes all the way down to my throat. I look up at him from beneath my eyelashes.

  “Fuck you, Star,” he growls. “Fuck you!”

  I lick the underside of his cock and alternate with a sucking motion.

  Greedily I milk the thick drops of cum that slide down my throat. The angry veins underneath his cock throb and pulsate on my tongue.

  I stroke the bit of his cock that I cannot get into my mouth. Sucking his cock feels good. I swallow it as deep and as hard as I can.

  “Play with yourself, Star. Show me how dirty you can be. Open your thighs wide and play with yourself.”

  I slide my hand between my legs and start to play with myself. I am so wet and swollen. I’m afraid I will climax before him. It’s never happened to me before, but I’m going to climax while sucking cock. I slow my trembling hand down.